Permanent roomies!

Engagement jokey-jokes!

Hey, hey! It’s Ryan, again! I really appreciate you for reading this! Don’t miss the next one. Subscribe!

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I just got engaged…so my girlfriend has become my fiancé. It is weird saying that because I don’t usually just break out in French like a villager in a Disney princess movie. (There goes the baker with his tray like always.)

Getting engaged was really fun, but it also feels exactly the same as it did before. The only change is that now most of my assets are tied up in precious stones.

Yup…she will now walk around with my entire net worth on her ring finger…a woman who can’t be trusted to hang onto a coffee mug over a tile floor. I once witnessed her click a pen and accidentally shoot it out of her hand, 20 feet across the living room and into the kitchen…like she was catapulting a projectile at our castle of Trader Joe’s reduced guilt pita chips.

When you get engaged people don’t really care…well, they are excited for like a day and then they realize they might have to attend a wedding. Oh, sorry. Did I say a wedding? I meant an engagement party, a bridal shower, a bachelor party, a bachelorette party, a rehearsal dinner, a wedding, and a post-wedding brunch. Nothing dampens a proposal like realizing you will spend a year and a half making small talk with someone else’s aunt.

The day we got engaged, people asked “do you have a date?” We literally JUST got engaged. Do we have a date? We have THE date. Today is the 28th. How would we have booked a venue? My fiancé (the same old bread and rolls to sell) just found out we were having a wedding. And it’s tough to book a venue. Especially because my family is from New Jersey and her family is from New York so we’re trying to get married in the Lincoln Tunnel. My groomsmen will be the Impractical Jokers and we’ll be serving pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwiches with Long Island iced teas.

As soon as my family heard about it they were like “Congratulations! The wedding is gonna be in New Jersey, right?” Which is basically saying “I better not have to drive an hour two autumns from now.”

To be honest…I didn’t even care about us getting engaged…I thought I did…I was so excited to propose. Then two days later someone asked “What have you been up to?” And I said “not much.” Not much? I spent [redacted] on a ring then planned a surprise for someone who narrates my life then committed to spending the rest of my existence with the person I love…two days…”what you been up to?” “Can’t think of anything.”

Ok…thank you for reading these extremely self-indulgent jokes…and if you’re wondering…we’re registered at our bodega and Au Bon Pain (every morning just the same).

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